Boy Sober and Algorithms

Today I spotted another clear sign that modern social media are toxic and unhealthy. I see this through the boy sober movement.

A new trend is sweeping TikTok: #boysober. Its rules? No dating apps, no dates, no exes, no hookups. Thousands of women are uploading videos describing why they have gone boy sober and extolling its benefits.

In my opinion this is a clear demonstration of why algorithms are so awful on social media. For me this illustrates that with algorithms social networks become unusable for close personal connections. The reason for this is that when you’re competing for likes, comments and re-shares you’re forgetting about the core purpose of social media, for human beings. The ability to connect with people that do not live in the same village or town that you live in, and to stave off loneliness.

The Boy Sober rule illustrates that because of algorithms women are being harassed by boys. This harassment has tired women so much that they choose to have no dating apps, no dates, no exes, no hookups. The reality is that when social networks were around, rather than social media, we had networks of friends and friends of friends so flirting was possible. Seduction was possible. Meeting people we appreciated online in person would require train and plane journeys but that desire was a big part of social networks, and for a while social media.

I am not saying that women are wrong for their boy sober movement. I think they’re right. I feel the need to take a break from social media and I’ve been socialising online since around 96 or 97.

I see this as an illustration that we should abandon social media for meetup.com, Whatsapp, Signal and other non-algorithm driven social networks. Social media has become so large that human interactions have become sparse and unrewarding.

But the onus of taking action to protect oneself continues to fall disproportionately on women, who find themselves navigating potential risks including harassment, stalking and abuse, requiring them to be vigilant.

In a network of friends of friends, where people we know, know the people we’re interacting with online, there are safety barriers. If someone is seen as toxic there are warning signs, so the social circle, the friends of friends, keep each other in check. Via dating apps, and TikTok and Algorithm driven social media we are dealing with algorithms, rather than networks of friends of friends. The gatekeepers that keep people responsible for their behaviour are gone. The result is that toxic people victimise women.

A sense of unease and vulnerability is driving women away from the apps.

I don’t think that it’s just women that are affected by how toxic social networks have become. I’ve fallen victim to trolls and been flamed. It’s because of that toxicity that I forgot about Twitter, and use the Fediverse sparingly, and ignore Reddit and Quora.

What I long for is a social network that is on a human scale once again, that is about humans conversing with humans, and that networks are of friends of friends.

As women continue to leave dating apps in search of safer, more equitable alternatives, the onus is on industry stakeholders and policymakers to address the issues driving this exodus. It’s imperative that we confront them head on, fostering a culture of safety, respect and inclusivity within online dating platforms.

I would go further. I would like to go back to the core of building friendships that can grow into working and other forms of relationships. Social networks should be about building friendships and social networks of people we like to spend time with, that we know and trust. Dating apps short cut all of this.

Many years ago I met someone via a dating app but I didn’t realise it was a date. She was pissed off because I had no plans, and that I had misread her name. For me this illustrates the negative aspects of dating apps. I don’t want to date. I want friendship, and if people are hostile from the start, then the problem is with the network effect of dating apps. There is no network effect. It’s two strangers taking a chance.

With a healthy social network it is two friends, meeting in person, to see if it goes further. It could even be a group of friends meeting in person, every week, or every two weeks.

And Finally

When social media was a human scale it was a fantastic way to meet likeminded people. Now that social media is on a viral scale it has become futile to look for human connections. That’s why I am shifting back towards meeting people in person, via meetup events. In the best case you meet the love of your life. In the worst case you had a nice walk or via ferrata. On average you meet new friends, especially if you meet the same people on a regular basis. Before the pandemic I was part of a climbing community, a hiking community and a diving community. I need to get back to those old habits.